Today I Tried But I Failed

Today has been a hard day for me. I completed all of the necessary tasks. Everyone was fed, everyone is clean, and nothing caught on fire. I got all of my work done. Everything is done that HAS to be done.

But something has been off all day.

It is June 8th, TEN days away from Father’s Day. Today, I received 37 e-mails advertising Father’s Day sales and asking me if I have purchased a special gift for MY father. 37 e-mails with ten days to go.

How am I going to survive the next ten days?

I thought fresh air would help, so I went outside. Once outside, I found myself inside the pop-up camper where all of my father’s possessions are currently sitting in a neat pile, waiting patiently for me to sort them and give them a new forever home.

I opened a box of model cars that my father built, pulled out the top one, and couldn’t see anything. I realized I was crying, and I gave up. I gently put the model back inside its bubble wrap, closed the box, sat down on the couch, and sobbed. Not the pretty crying you do when a movie gets to you. The UGLY crying you do when your heart is shattered, tears streaming down and heaving chest. The kind of crying where you start to hyperventilate because you can’t breathe.

Today, despite all the frustration I was dealing with, I tried to deal with my grief.

Today, I failed.

Maybe I will try again tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow I will start blocking and unsubscribing from companies that send me Father’s Day e-mails. Maybe I will disconnect my e-mails from my phone. Maybe I will turn off the phone entirely.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.

But for today, I tried. And today, I failed. But I have not given up. Merely been pulled under and succumbed for now.

Until Next Time,

Cathy Marie Bown

Before my father died, I published a novel for him. It wasn’t specifically for him, but I have always told him that someday I would write a book and he would see my name on the cover. I was able to give him a copy of that book in November of last year. I am not a big fan of self-promotion and I’m pretty bad at it. But if you want to check out that book, you can find it here.