This morning was a glorious fall morning, complete with cool enough temperatures to justify a sweatshirt and fog on the windows. I tried to enjoy the crisp air, but I just couldn’t. Spooky season, my favorite time of the year, just doesn’t feel very spooky this year.

I want it to, don’t get me wrong. I got up and dressed in my pumpkin leggings and pumpkin sweatshirt with my favorite tall black fall boots. It felt like trying to start a car without a battery connected, though. There’s no spark.

In truth, I’m so overwhelmed by life right now that I can’t function. I can’t see past today, much less into tomorrow. Several things are for certain, and they are causing me to shut down entirely.

  1. I am getting a divorce. The wheels are in motion and going too quickly to stop now. I don’t know if I would stop it if I could. So much hurt has happened on both sides that I can’t say whether there is even anything worth salvaging anymore.
  2. My father is dying of cancer. We’ve known for a while that it was inevitable, but treatments aren’t working anymore so it will probably happen much quicker now.
  3. In order to help care for my dad, and spend as much time with him as possible before the end, I have to completely uproot my autistic granddaughter, and this may send her into a downward spiral or a complete regression. In doing so, I also have to move us far away from our support team and care network and into an area where autism is considered “fake”.
  4. Everything I know about my life is going to change and it scares me. I knew I wanted a break, I was never sure I wanted it to be forever. I wanted things to change, but I wanted them to get better.
  5. I don’t know who I am anymore.

I guess that’s all for today.

Until next time,

Cathy Marie Bown

***A Note from me ***I wanted today’s post to convey the true emotion I’m feeling, so I decided to record voice audio with it, so you can hear me. Let me know if you think that helped. After listening myself, I think I sound…lifeless. Maybe I’m wrong?

Published by cathymariebown

I am a writer and student looking for my place in the digital world.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: