This morning was a glorious fall morning, complete with cool enough temperatures to justify a sweatshirt and fog on the windows. I tried to enjoy the crisp air, but I just couldn’t. Spooky season, my favorite time of the year, just doesn’t feel very spooky this year.
I want it to, don’t get me wrong. I got up and dressed in my pumpkin leggings and pumpkin sweatshirt with my favorite tall black fall boots. It felt like trying to start a car without a battery connected, though. There’s no spark.
In truth, I’m so overwhelmed by life right now that I can’t function. I can’t see past today, much less into tomorrow. Several things are for certain, and they are causing me to shut down entirely.
- I am getting a divorce. The wheels are in motion and going too quickly to stop now. I don’t know if I would stop it if I could. So much hurt has happened on both sides that I can’t say whether there is even anything worth salvaging anymore.
- My father is dying of cancer. We’ve known for a while that it was inevitable, but treatments aren’t working anymore so it will probably happen much quicker now.
- In order to help care for my dad, and spend as much time with him as possible before the end, I have to completely uproot my autistic granddaughter, and this may send her into a downward spiral or a complete regression. In doing so, I also have to move us far away from our support team and care network and into an area where autism is considered “fake”.
- Everything I know about my life is going to change and it scares me. I knew I wanted a break, I was never sure I wanted it to be forever. I wanted things to change, but I wanted them to get better.
- I don’t know who I am anymore.
I guess that’s all for today.
Until next time,
Cathy Marie Bown
***A Note from me ***I wanted today’s post to convey the true emotion I’m feeling, so I decided to record voice audio with it, so you can hear me. Let me know if you think that helped. After listening myself, I think I sound…lifeless. Maybe I’m wrong?