The television plays
Cooking shows on repeat,
You didn’t like them
But they bring me comfort.
The cell phone stands ready
Facebook, E-mail, games
Anything to distract me,
To keep from feeling.
The laptop, always open
A story to write, homework to do
Simulation games that I can control
Things where I get to say who goes and who stays.
Alexa speakers in every room
Play music to fill the void, skip the bad
The tears come hardest in the shower.
I don’t even try to stop them now.
A memory haunts me, just a little girl
Sitting in my room alone with a radio.
“I’ll never get out of this world alive”
Plays while I cry for my parents
Still alive yet doomed to die
Even as a child I knew
How hard this would be
And I grieved then as I do now.
The digital scale awaits me
Fluctuating, checking often,
Appetite is gone, only junk food satisfies,
Pants are tight, yet I do not stop.
Smoke the pot to dull the pain,
Heighten the senses to live again,
Turn off the anger, turn off the regret
Even if only for an hour or two.
Driving in the car, I see the stain
Drivers seat, middle, a dirty reminder
Of the drive to watch you die
The best worst day of my life to make it on time.
I wear your hat to feel you close,
You are gone and I remain.
This defines me, this child of loss
Who cannot move past what never was.
A trip back home just to have the truck
Driven by the man who never would again
A man, insignificant to the outside world,
But left such devastation in his absence.
The country home where I was there and he was gone
Traded when I left home and he stayed
No matter where he moved,
I followed him whenever I could but it was never enough.
Each day I wake up
Go through the motions
Only to disappear
Into the past in my head
What I wouldn’t give to go back,
Change the way things happened.
All the things I should have said,
All the trips I should have made,
I didn’t even know you
But I wish I had
I never really let you in
To know who I really was
But you were always on my mind.
A dozen cards I bought but never sent,
Always sure there would be time to apologize,
Time to make amends.
And now I can’t go back
And I’m afraid to move forward.
I know In my heart I’ll always be
Just a daddy’s girl waiting for him to come home.
I wrote this poem to talk about the grief I feel over losing my father. It’s been a year today and today would have been his birthday. I’m still not okay. Maybe next year will be easier. Maybe it won’t. All I can say is that the wound is still gaping and I feel like I’m bleeding out slowly. Someday I hope my words can cauterize the wound. But until then, I can’t help but feel … grief, loss, regret, fear, loneliness, hopelessness, and a profound sadness that never goes away. It lifts its weight off my chest for moments at a time, but it always returns to the same spot.
Until Next Time,
Cathy Marie Bown
Cathy Marie Bown 