Happy Thanksgiving, dear readers!
It seems appropriate that I take a few minutes and express what I am grateful for this year. This year was one of the hardest years of my life and so many terrible things happened and so few amazing things that it can be hard to remember what I should be grateful for.
Because I am in the midst of one of the worst and most crippling depressions of my life, it can be so hard for me to articulate how I am feeling and what I need.
Right now, what I need is to talk about this year.
Late last year my husband and I made the difficult decision to separate. In February, I was admitted to a behavioral health inpatient hospital for suicidal ideation. While in the hospital, I quit my job at the domestic violence shelter.
In March, my fifth grandchild was born. Unfortunately, I was too distracted with my mental health crisis and my father’s deteriorating health to pay as much attention to the sweet little boy as he deserved. I did see him in the hospital, but I wish I had been around more to help my daughter with her other two children.
I am grateful for healthy grandchildren. I am grateful for each and every one of my surviving grandchildren.
Shortly after being released from the hospital, I went to Missouri for two weeks to stay with my father and stepmother. I wanted to help care for my father and get away from the stress of my life. With the help of my mom, daughter, and another grandmother, I was able to leave my three-year-old behind for the trip.
I am grateful to everyone who made it possible for me to spend time alone with my father.
While I was in Missouri, my father had a neurological event caused by withdrawals from pain medications and steroids. He suffered a form of amnesia that caused him to forget everyone. During that time, he was not himself. He behaved aggressively, was mean to the hospital staff, and even tried to bite several people who attempted to restrain him while the nurses attempted to get his IV back in to deliver the steroids the doctor hoped would bring my father back to himself.
I am grateful that I was in Missouri with my father when this happened. I am grateful I was there to help my stepmother through it. I am grateful my brothers trusted my assessment of our father and came to Missouri immediately. I’m grateful for the support I received from my step-brother during this time as well, and the extended family members who rushed to see my father.
I’m sorry to say, I don’t think my dad ever truly came back. While he did seem to recover, and left the hospital after a few days, his health quickly deteriorated. We were able to get hospice into the home shortly after his hospital stay, and we were able to make him a bit more comfortable for the final month or so. After struggling to regulate himself, my father lost the fight for his life on his 61st birthday, April 30th.
I am forever grateful that when I got the call that my dad’s condition was getting worse, I got in my car and drove and didn’t stop, except for gas, until I was at his doorstep. While my father was already nonverbal and nonmobile when I arrived, I was able to spend a few invaluable hours at his side before he passed peacefully in the night. During these hours, my brothers, one of my step-brothers, and my step-mother and I sat around my father’s bed and shared some of our fondest memories. These hours were the most precious and I can never express how much they have meant to me.
I have so much to say about his three-year cancer journey, but the tears come too swiftly to ever get the words out. My father, as I knew him, was a gentle man who was simple but highly intelligent, happy to be a country boy, and who loved his family. I loved him so much more than I ever told him, and so much more than even I knew.
I am grateful that I had a wonderful father. He wasn’t perfect and sometimes I didn’t much like him, he was the rock in my life. The only stable thing in my whole life was my father.
I can’t say that I remember much of the time between then and now. I worked a lot, managed to keep up with my graduate classes for my master’s degree, and had another birthday. Shortly after my father passed away, I moved back home and my husband and I reunited.
I am grateful that my husband and family have been so supportive of me during this time. Some days have been terrible, some have been quiet, and some have been almost normal. When nobody was looking, there was a lot of crying. I am grateful that when I cry, nobody presses me to talk.
Sometime in the spring, I leased an art studio at the Beloit Art Studio, and I often go there to write and work. I moved all of my books to the studio and filled it with bookcases.
I am grateful for my studio. It’s the most wonderful space, and it’s mine.
Also this year, we lost my Uncle Daniel. I wrote a post about him, so I won’t go into too much here. We will all miss him. Like my father, he was far too young to leave this world. We should have gotten many more years with them.
I am grateful for the years we did get.
As the year draws to an end, I am hesitant to be hopeful. In the middle of December, I am undergoing surgery that will leave me in recovery for the rest of the year.
I am grateful that my family is supporting me through this.
While I don’t post regularly, I appreciate each of my readers.
I am grateful for you!
I am grateful for each and every single member of my family. I am grateful for my husband, my children, my grandchildren, my mom, my brothers, my step-mom and step-brothers, my aunts and uncles, cousins, literally all of you.
I am grateful that I was blessed with the childhood experiences that have colored my whole life. I am grateful, even if it doesn’t show. I know how much the world has sacrificed for me. I know I am often ungrateful on the outside.
Please know, from the very bottom of my heart, even when you can’t tell, that I am truly and wholely grateful for everything.
Until Next Time,
Cathy Marie Bown
Cathy Marie Bown 